Relationships and Software Requirements

I wrote a requirements list when I was in my early 20’s.  That list was a culmination of what I had learned about myself from my boyfriends over the past ten years.  This list detailed what characteristics a future boyfriend must have.   I knew what I wanted based on my experience life to date.

Within weeks of that I met the man who would later become my husband.  He fit the requirements almost perfectly.  It was uncanny.  

Now I’m in my early 30’s and I’m wondering what I was thinking when I wrote the requirements.  I’ve found myself questioning those requirements.  Did I get it wrong?  Why didn’t I think of the bigger picture with some of those? 

For example, one requirement was that the person be driven in a career path.  I was that way and I did not feel like I could respect someone who did not have drive, specifically to be successful in career.

I underestimated how difficult it would be to be married to someone who put career as such a priority.  

The past 6 months my husband has spent more weekend hours at work than with me, canceled trips and worked months on end without a day off.  It has started to wear me down. Andy Grammer starts a song, “I know you didn’t think loving me meant so much time alone.” (Kiss You Slow).  Yeah.  I didn’t think about that when I wrote my requirements.

Recently, I’ve taken some new responsibilities in my own career where I’m working more closely with developers.  I am being challenged to gather requirements for software projects, and fix issues on projects where requirements were not gathered correctly. 

I have a very smart person giving me advice in the workplace.  No, advice is too polite, this person is pushing me out of my comfort zone with analogies, life stories, and sometimes with comments that make me mad.   He’s changing my paradigm, and at times it’s almost insulting to me. 

He told me “Nobody reads anymore.”- That rocked my world a little, people read (see my point is proven, you’re reading this). But more important to my identity, what’s the point of being a writer if nobody reads? That’s part of who I am, what I do...  That point of view contradicted my self-image. But he got my attention to make a point; a simple user experience in software is much more valuable than a well written, well laid out instructional manual.  (His example, “Do you have to read a document when you order something from Amazon?”  Well no.)

Additionally, he has told me "It’s not like it used to be.  It’s not one set of requirements and you’re done.  It’s incremental releases.  It’s continual improvement." The requirements and scope are never right the first time.  They are changing.  That’s why software developers need better processes like Agile and Extreme Programming.  It’s not about getting it done once and walking away.  It’s about baby steps, slow change, small changes that make a big difference. 

Requirements are not static.  Just because you didn’t see one really important piece in the beginning doesn’t mean you failed.  It means that you have to make an adjustment.  And you’re never going to be done.  There will always be more you can do with a SaaS product. 

So, what does this have to do with marriage?

Ironically, a lot.  Instead of throwing the project out because the requirements weren’t “right”, I see things a little differently now.  It’s not about the old requirements from almost a decade ago, it’s about the incremental changes over the years.  It’s about improvement over time, and it’s never done.

The perfectionist in me is learning to be quiet.  The writer in me is feeling slightly betrayed.  But the smart, resilient person that I am is thankful.  It’s not very often that someone is able to change your paradigm and challenge you to do things you didn’t think were possible…. And help you in your personal life without realizing it. 

I cannot tell you how important requirements are- they are vital to get any project from start to finish.  At the same time, requirements are not that important.  They are untrustworthy if any time has passed.  They are quickly obsolete.  And it’s ok to have planned obsolescion.   Getting things right once is not the goal.

So many of my friends whose marriages have fallen apart say the same thing, “people change”.   My new paradigm agrees that is a constant- people change, but so do requirements.  My requirements list from 10 years ago is obsolete.  I need to focus on some new requirements to improve my relationships. 

First new requirement:

The year 2016 will include a vacation (that doesn't get cancelled) with my husband. 

The philosophy of time scarcity versus responsible contentment

A person living on the philosophy of time scarcity does not realize that they are simply complaining about their own choices and their own lack of understanding consequences.

Most have heard it said that time is one of your most valuable resources. It is very limited.  Each person’s days are numbered.  Time is so precious, that decisions about one’s time are some of the most personal and most important decisions one makes. Some of the most hurtful parts of relationships have to do with how one person chooses to spend their time.

A person living in the philosophy of time scarcity complains that they don’t have enough time (time is scarce).  They feel that they are running a rat race in which they have to get ahead and never can seem to do so.  Several times they feel that “things will get better with just one more activity”.  Or “if I only had more money/time/freedom I would be happier.” So they work really hard to cram as many things into the day, unhappy with the present and always looking toward the future with disappointment surrounding them.

It’s so easy to get into the habit of blaming a lack of time for everything. The truth is that the scarcity of time is not to blame for one’s own choices. One person doesn’t have fewer hours than anyone else.  Reality is that a person can only have so many priorities.  Once the priorities have used up one’s time, there is only so much left for things that are not really priorities.  Those things do not ever seem to happen, even though the person says (and may even believe) that they should.

Here are two examples:

·         Now that I have a toddler, I do not have time to spend with my friends.

·         Because my work schedule is so demanding, I do not have time to exercise.

Next time you hear that statement, translate it to this:

·         Now that I have a toddler, I do not choose to spend time with my friends.

·         Because my work schedule is so demanding, I do not choose to exercise.

Before replying with a smart ass “that’s your own damn fault response”, (even though that is true) think about this: Does that person really want to be “spending time with friends” or “exercising”  more than they want to be caring for their child or excelling in work? Are they just complaining to make themselves feel better about the choices they’ve made?  That person could simply be feeling guilty, but have no intention of making changes in their choices. A person can only truly have a few real priorities.  For example, most people’s priority list includes Family, Work and Religion (in one order or another).  After that, there is not a whole lot of room for all the rest of the stuff. But those priorities are not nearly specific enough to help a person make good choices.  Especially when work and family are pulling one in opposite directions.

Another example of a person living in the time scarcity philosophy is someone who talks of what could have been without realizing that they CAN change what will be.  “If only my line of work was paid better”.  Were you born into your job?  Do you have the choice to work somewhere else if you wanted to?

That complaint is only valid if there TRULY was no other choice.  In most civilized countries, you have a choice what line of work you want to be in, and you probably knew what kind of pay grade to expect when you entered that line of work.  If you are unhappy with it, it is up to you and only you, to change it.

Time spent cannot be taken back.  You cannot return time for a better offer (what could have been). Stop complaining about the choices you’ve made.  If you don’t like them, make better choices in the future.

Rarely are Olympic athletes able to compete in more than one sport.  I can be so much better if I only focus on ONE sport rather than trying to do two and being mediocre at both.

I chose only two priorities.  I am way more specific than “Family, work and God”.  I have two main priorities and everything that is truly important falls within these two priorities:

1.       Give gifts (including but not limited to) 

a.       Spending quality time by traveling with family and friends

b.      Work (If your work isn’t a gift, you should find another job)

c.       Cooking and being hospitable

d.      Volunteering to help others

2.       Spending time outdoors to admire God’s creation, get exercise and be healthy (mentally and physically)

It has taken me a long time to come up with this list, and it changes as I grow as a person.  Choosing those priorities has helped me to feel that I have ENOUGH.  I have enough time to do the things that are truly important.  I am so lucky to have a supportive husband who encourages me to focus on the few priorities that truly matter and not the less important things that do not.

This is what I have found works for me to be content with my time choices.  Next time you find yourself feeling like time is scare; ask yourself what you would give up to have the things you truly want.  And as you commit to things, ask yourself if they roll up to your priorities or not. Be good at few things.  Think through the consequences before making comittments.

Be responsible for your own contentment.